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Author Topic: Some thoughts about weight loss  (Read 1544 times)
LSixer
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« on: January 15, 2013, 03:25:52 PM »

There are those of us who fight the good fight, try to eat healthy to avoid the extra pounds, or simply to BE healthy, damn the weight issue.

Having spent a few nights recently with Nancy, watching some late night TV, I have noticed some rather interesting commercials that I have begun to question.

In question, I am referring to their validity. In other words, since they only play late at night, are they trying (and succeeding) in an attempt to stretch the truth.

I wonder ...

One curious one that has played repeatedly, and for the sake of litigation, I will use a false name. See as I do not collect revenues here, nor carry insurance, I would rather not encounter a law suit. That said, lets exam the facts that have been presented to me and Nancy. Although, honestly, Nancy, being the more intelligent of this couple is usually sawing logs on the couch next to me by this time. So, we'll leave her participation as a casual observer as well, without her input.

Read on ...

<popularnewweightlossdrugnamehere> is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by <apopularwellknowndrugcompanyname here>, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to get started on the wonderous "program."

As is the case with most drugs, this product comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.

Treatment effects ...  Hmmmmm
Didnt we hear about these during the popular movie; The Abomidibal Dr. Phibes ?

Anyway, back to the story ...


A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled underwear, searching for a place to ditch it.

Ah, a wonderous mental picture.

As best as I can tell, anyway...

Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms. You can thank your old friend Adam later ... or not.

I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a fellow car enthusiast and a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the products website, with my translations in between.

Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty (fatty Arbuckle? As Todd enlightened us so graciously about), by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in this drug to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s flowing from your ass like molten lava.

The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of your car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.

The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.  Lips Sealed

Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.

Allow me to elaborate a bit here ...

You may get:

gas with oily spotting

You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…

loose stools

and having violent chipped beef explosions...

more frequent stools that may be hard to control

all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.

Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.

The McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking this product, and you’ll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea blunderbuss.

Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with this product. Here's how to take control:

Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking this product. Then pick a day to begin taking the product, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with the product until the event is over


Or, if you feel your life is lacking in excitement, double up the dose, and pound a couple of double whoppers prior to a black tie event there Skippy.  helpme
 
Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.

While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, this product can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings

You see, when you think about it, shitting yourself is actually a positive!  thumb1

You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day

Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It’s simply not worth it. 

You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work

Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking this product. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.

If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth. You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants.”  One would hope anyway ...

You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take this product. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens

Showboating is not recommended.

You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce

In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.


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Rather B.Blown
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« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2013, 03:59:39 PM »

 

I think this is a product I was reading about the other day, sounds like the same shit.  Grin
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Fluxx
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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2013, 05:15:52 PM »

Thats a great plan though, if you eat too much the drug will gift you with the bowel control of a newborn. What would you rather be known as? Fat Ass, or Shit Ass?
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Wyatt
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« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2014, 01:46:09 AM »

Thats a great plan though, if you eat too much the drug will gift you with the bowel control of a newborn. What would you rather be known as? Fat Ass, or Shit Ass?

Swimming is good exercise to lose weight and maintain weight, If you swim daily then you never need to eat any medication to
lose weight, Your body automatically become fit and energetic.
« Last Edit: October 29, 2014, 02:34:17 AM by Wyatt » Logged

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